Waves

Souvenirs

I didn't go to the market

to buy a papyrus or a galabiya

the souvenirs I got from there

are imprinted in me:

my aching heart

my confused mind

my poisoned veins.

Deposits of

sex, love, alcohol, hash

manipulation, abusement, paranoia

suspend in my blood,

and one tattoo

inscribed in my skin.

My identity is out to get me

My culture is hunting me down

My language is after me

My roots are jeopardizing my choices

My being is suspected

My identity is out to get me

Being lost

The only person I trust

is someone I don't trust.

The only person I want to speak with

is someone I cannot speak with.

I'm not a criminal

yet the police is after me.

I don't want to hurt anyone

yet my being may hurt my dearest friends.

pieces of energy

Ripples

pieces of energy

like pieces of love

that is too intense

to share at once

so it is being splitted

into small

and smaller

pieces,

fractions

of intenseness

fractions

of a great power.

Conglomerate

A conglomerate

is a rock

made of pieces

of other rocks...

a reflection

of its surroundings

and climate.

So do people,

made of pieces

of other people...

a reflection

of their culture

and temper.

So show me your pieces

and I could tell

between which mountains

you grew up.

Letting go

Call me

so I could tell you to go

so I could have a chance

to say

loud and clear

I don't accept it anymore,

it's over.

But you called me

many times

and I never said it,

perhaps I won't also next time,

so don't call me

just go.

Ripples

Ripples are a show

of affection

between the wind

and the water.

The wind is caressing

the water is curving

a constant gentle touch

between the two massive bodies.

A touch of energy

that spreads

and expands...

echoes of love

that slowly decreases...

until it cannot be detected

anymore.

But I remember seeing it

I remember feeling it

I remember.

There is always something to lose

I met you

and started losing

piece by piece

of myself

of my personality

of my integrity

of my mind..

meeting you and losing me...

until there was nothing left to lose.

Then I met you again

and lost some more...

So I've learnt:

there is always something to lose.

You remind me of the wind

You remind me of the wind:

coming from somewhere,

going somewhere,

caressing me on the way.

Touching and going.

Refreshing my skin,

my body,

my mind.

Not staying.

Impermanent.

تذكرني بالرياح

تذكرني بالرياح:

تأتي من مكان ما,

تذهب الي مكان ما,

تداعبني حين تمر.

تلمسنى و تذهب.

تنعش جلدي،

جسدي،

عقلي.

لا تبقى.

غير دائم.

Identity

My face

My accent

The passport I hold

My age

My money...

I haven't chose them.

But some people choose

to see only them in me,

some people choose

to define me by them.

My smile

The words I speak

The drawings I draw

My energies

My deeds...

I choose them every day.

Look at them,

they define me.

Now that you are out of my veins

Now

that you are out of my veins,

that I am immuned to your poison,

I can start dealing with the issues I've suppressed so far,

the issues that are a constant struggle

and confusement

to me.

I can start digging

in my identity.

Because all the pain you've caused me

is nothing compared with the pain caused by my identity.

The boy I could not save

I look at you and I see him

the boy I could not save

to whom I could not help

who is not a child anymore

and fighting me

pushing me away

yet meeting me again and again

not giving up...

Like you do.

The boy I love so much

whom I missed 8 years

whom I never knew if I would see again...

And here he is.

Angry

Tired

Neglected

Sad

Clever

With a big bright smile...

Just like you.

I look at you

and I see him

I touch your pain

and I feel his

your hand is slipping from mine

so does his.

Your sweet smell remained

You are gone.

You have been here only a few hours,

infected me with your sweet smell,

that remained a whole day

on my skin...

until it was washed away...

You have been here only a few hours,

but your sweet smell remained,

reminding me of your sweetness

and beauty

and our joy

together.

Pain remains in the air

Joy fades

That is why pain is addictive

Pain consumes energy

Joy creates energy

That is why pain wears us out

Pain is what we share

Joy is what I share with random guys

Does that make me crazy?

Abusement

is when you take your anger on me

Anger

comes when you feel you have no control on things

Control

makes you feel strong

Strength

is the only way to survive

Survival

is the way you manage your life

Life

is what makes you confused

Confusement

is why you abuse people

Abusement

is when you take your anger on me

Love is the greatest power

Love is the cure,

the medicine,

it has the power to heal your wounds,

to restore your trust,

to make your life good...

Love...

is what you deny from yourself.

I'm happy

I'm happy.

My poems are lacking pain

lacking witty

lacking deep insights...

The words seem artificial

Even the lines don't flow one after another.

But I'm happy.

The sadness is taking over

I'm losing you

perhaps I have already lost

you

I feel the sadness taking over me

encompassing me

flowing through my body

reaching each corner

Numbing me

Numbing my body

Numbing my soul

Not letting me sleep

Not even to fall asleep

Making me indifferent

To all that surrounds me.

*

Not to think

Not to feel

Not to remember

Not to try to understand

Not to call

Not to wait for a call...

And maybe then

my heart would not hurt

so much

I'm walking in a city that is yours

in a neighborhood that is yours

in a street that is yours

yet I'm not looking for you.

I'm not checking people's faces,

perhaps one of them is you.

I'm not looking at the local cafes,

maybe you are sitting there.

And I know

that even if you would rise

you would not rise up

you would not break

and not into my arms.

Reunion, supplemental

It lasted three nights

and then abruptly you walked away.

I was a fool to think that it would last more than that

a fool to think it is more than it is

a fool to love you again

a fool to let you distort my balance...

And now you are about to fly away

and not come back

I already know

how empty would feel the city

without you.

This city without you

I'm leaving this country

you said

when we first met

and I was happy for you

wishing you would succeed

to escape this prison.

I'm leaving this country

you said again

today

and I was restless

still wishing

you would succeed

to escape this prison.

How can I imagine this city without you?

who would call to ask

"where are you?"

who would come to sleep in my hug

who would tell me people's secrets

who would ignore me

who would play with my heart

with my mind

with my body?

Vengeance

I'm afraid of my own power

I can destroy your life

In one minute

With one action...

I never take revenge

I never hurt on purpose

But you are pushing me

Testing my limits

And I feel so close to the edge

So close to destroying your life

In one minute

With one action.

But I know

That by doing so

I will destroy myself as well.

This is how it should be

A man is kissing me.

He is passionate and gentle

he is touching me...

letting his palm explore my body...

letting his body smell mix with mine...

I'm kissing him

he is enjoying it...

He is smiling, his eyes are shining

I am smiling, my mind is shining

we are not stopping

we are not letting go

there is no pain in the air...

This is how it should be...

Life is like a metro

each station is a person

and we hop on and off

haltting in some stations,

skipping others,

continuing our journey...

until we reach the station that magnetises us,

that makes us pull over,

and stop.

But I'm a nomade,

a wanderer

a tramp

always on the move...

I don't stop.

I didn't stop at my high school sweetheart,

I didn't stop at the love of my life,

I didn't stop at my legal husband,

and I will not stop at you.

Reunion

How can I sleep

when you are here

I don't want to lose

a single moment

with you

You turned around the whole night

couldn't decide

which hug of mine

you like better

You are finally here

I didn't sleep the whole night

I couldn't sleep

I was too busy hugging you

and kissing you

and smelling you

and smiling

and being happy

I am a vampire of pain

I feed on people's pain

I walk by them and sense the pain

I look into their eyes and see the pain

I hug them and feel the pain.

And then I suck the pain

let it flow in my blood stream

that is already full

with my own pain.

I am a vampire of pain

I feed on people's pain

I go out at night and search for pain

I sit in bars and drink pain

I go to parties and dance pain.

And then I find you

and suck your pain

let it flow in my blood stream

and solute

with my own pain.

I am a vampire of pain

I feed on people's pain

but your pain is too severe

it flows in my blood stream

and solutes

poisons my body

poisons my soul

until I cannot feel

my own pain.

Comparativeness

Come to ease with me

Make me some tea

Tell me about a band I haven't heard of

Speak until my pain is gone

Then hug me gently

Smile

Shine your eyes with joy and naughtiness

And let me smell your comfort life.

Come to alrert me

Make me smoke

Tell me about a fight you were involved in

Speak until my pain rises

Then hug me tight

Smile

Shine your eyes with malice and amusement

And let me smell your life struggle.

Rules

You sleep with me

but there are rules

I may kiss you

but I may not touch your hair

I may hug you

but I may not undress you

I may feel your pain

but you don't speak about it anymore.

These are the rules,

take it or leave it.

I take it.

You know I do.

I sleep with you

but there is a rule

You may not use violance.

This is the rule,

take it or leave it.

You don't take it.

I know you don't.

I sleep with you

There are no rules.

The city is too big for me

too many people

too much noise

too many options

too much seduction

too much pain

too many emotions

too many sensations.

And one wave, but it's a big one.

And I've dived into the ocean,

allowing this wave to hit me again and again.

Wherever I go, I see him, I feel him, can't stay away from him.

My senses are caught in a whirling.

A whirling of the senses.

And I'm struggling to differentiate between right and wrong.

I might be failing.

The right feels so wrong...

The wrong feels so right...

The right is painful, demanding, I need to pull myself together every time in order to function...

The wrong...

the wrong is selfish.

It's chaotic and exciting and passionate and toxicating... and painful.

poems

When I do nothing

I have time to miss you,

to think about you,

to process my emotions,

and to write poems.

I write so many of them,

they pile one on top of another,

a pile of love

and longings

and pain.

But I don't want to miss you.

I want to write poems.

Sleep in my hug

You sleep in my hug

and say

hug me

You put your head on my breasts

and say

hug me

You look at me

and say

hug me

You turn your back at me

and say

hug me

I hold you tight

and whisper

I am hugging you

I hold you tighter

and don't say

give me your pain

I will take it away from you

I will set you free

from the cage

of pain and abuse

that encloses you.

Superposition

The addition of two waves

can be constructive

or destructive.

So does the addition of two souls

or two bodies.

But we don't call it physics,

we call it a relationship.

Superposition

The total response

caused by two waves

is the sum of the responses

caused by each wave individually.

But our total response

was an explosion.

Don't compare emotions with linear systems.

Waves

Waves are a form of energy transmission,

just like love.

I transmit my energy to you,

you transmit your energy to me.

The energy is being transmitted,

but we remain in our place.

Until we reach high energies

and break.

Like waves on the rocks.

Grammar

I miss you

I am missing you

I missed you

I was missing you

I have missed you

I have been missing you

I had missed you

I had been missing you

So many conjugations,

but you haven't used any.

I will miss you

I am going to miss you

I will be missing you

I will have missed you

I would miss you

I would be missing you

I would have missed you

I would have been missing you

So many future tenses,

but none for us.

My notebook

My poems and my drawings

reflect my memories

my thoughts

my feelings

I lost my notebook...

my poems...

my drawings...

my best creation...

But my memories

my thoughts

my feelings

my creation

are imprinted in me.

Everything happened here

Everything happened here...

You loved me and you didn't love me...

Everything.

Everything happened here...

I loved you and I hated you...

Everything.

Everything happened here...

You loved me and I loved you...

Then no more.

Everything.

It is not safe to be me

Don't say where you are from,

he told me.

It's not safe.

Disguise your identity.

Hide.

I don't want to hide

I don't want to live under a disguise

I want to be me.

I cannot change my past.

Don't say where you are from,

he told me.

Why didn't he say

I love you

I've missed you

I want to dance with you

I want to hug you.

It is not safe to be me,

there is a war going on,

people are bombing each other,

people are dying,

people are being deported from their homes...

but I just want to love you again.

Everybody pretends something

Everybody pretends something...

What do you pretend?

That you are not in love with your best friend

That you are not afraid

That you are powerful

That you like everyone

That everyone likes you

That you know what you want

What do I pretend?

That I'm indifferent to you

Life is about coincidences

Life is about coincidences.

Coincidentally I met you.

Coincidentally I fell in love with you.

Coincidentally you didn't fall in love with me.

Coincidentally we stopped talking.

Coincidentally our ways split apart.

Coincidentally I thought about you yesterday.

Coincidentally I think about you every day.

Life is about coincidences.

Coincidentally I met another man.

Coincidentally I didn't fall in love with him.

Coincidentally he didn't fall in love with me.

Coincidentally we were happy together.

Coincidentally our ways split apart.

Coincidentally I thought about him today.

Coincidentally I don't think about you every day.

Rewrite

I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

I want to be with someone.

I want to be.

Oh, no,

it's wrong.

Try again.

I want to be.

I want to be with someone.

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.

No,

it's still wrong.

I don't want.

I am.

A woman and a man saying goodbye

He is going back to his home country

She is staying

in the country in which they traveled

and met

and were happy together.

They took their moment

and then let it slip away.

Impermanence.

A woman and a man looking for each other

on the streets

on the beach

in their thoughts

in each other's arms.

He makes coffee for them

sometimes tea

he pours one glass after another

and they talk

and laugh

and sit close to each other

and they are happy.

They play cards

he is impressed by how fast she plays...

he wanted to teach her

but she already knows...

it's her favourite childhood game...

and she is happy,

he is happy too.

They listen to music,

he has a huge collection

she founds and plays songs she knows by heart

from her past

he plays songs she has never heard before

of artists she has never heard of

and he tells her their stories

and she dances

he doesn't, he never does

and he is happy,

she is happy too.

A woman and a man looking for each other

they have found

they are happy

then they are saying goodbye...

an island of sanity

In my crazy ride in Egypt

you were an island of sanity.

Easy, open, fluent.

In my tramping days

you were a home to me.

Relaxed, generous, safe.

When I was sad, you cheered me up.

When I was happy, you made me happier.

Without seeing my dark side

you saved me from myself

helped me heal my wounds

and restore the balance in my life.

Did I do the same?

A man and a woman facing each other

with grace

with respect

with curiosity,

with humour...

Gently getting closer.

Slowly feeling at home.

He is telling her about his sister,

that he adopted,

and tries to save

from herself...

but he never knows if he'll see her again.

About his mother,

that loves him,

and likes picking him up from the airport,

but he doesn't visit a lot

and doesn't like her food.

He is telling her about the woman he wants to marry,

but she lets him down every time,

and it never happens.

About the woman he loves,

but their worlds are too far apart,

and he wants simple life, not complicated one...

About the woman who lived with him,

and loved him,

and also loved another man,

and lived with that man,

and again loved him,

and lived with him...

but it's already in his past.

Only the pain is in the present.

He is telling her about random women,

with whom he spent few nights,

few hours,

or none at all.

Women who are only photos to him.

He is telling

and she is listening,

diving into his soul,

his loneliness,

his lostness,

his hopes.

Meditation

I am sitting alone.

The men in my life belong to my past.

Reinout belongs to yesterday.

Mohammad belongs to last month.

Tashi belongs to last year.

Rony belongs to last decade.

Four men

four cultures

four relations

four memories in my body

four imprints in my soul

And in my present only me exist.

The men in my life belong to my past

perhaps to my future

but in my present they are absent.

I am sitting alone.

Observing my present.

Letting them slip out of my thoughts

out of my touch.

Clearing my mind

clearing my body.

They belong to my past,

perhaps to my future,

but in my present exist only ME.

Sit and watch the mountains

Sit and watch the mountains.

The strongest power on earth.

My constant motivators,

my inspiration.

Weathered on the outside,

fresh on the inside.

In our lifetime they are constant.

Always there,

defying all forces.

Bearing marks and scars,

dykes, folds, faults, landslides...

yet they are undefeatable.

Lasting on their inner strength.

Like me.

What are you afraid of?

I'm afraid of scorpions...

I'm afraid of regretting my life...

I'm afraid of not living to my own expectations...

I'm afraid of never feeling again the way I feel when I'm with you...

You make me feel things I haven't felt before

You make me see things I haven't seen before

You make me understand things I haven't understood before

You make me want things I don't want with most guys...

Every day

Every day I tell myself I should leave you alone

Yet every night I fail to do so.

Every day I decide not to text you, not to call you

Yet after few hours I text, I call.

Every day I know I should forget about you

Yet every day I remember.

I'm walking in a city that is not yours

I'm walking in a city that is not yours and looking for you.

I'm checking people's faces,

perhaps one of them is you.

I'm looking at the local cafes,

maybe you are sitting there.

I'm staring at the sea.

The wide sea that connects your home country with mine.

Waiting for you to rise up,

like a wave,

with the waves,

and break into my arms.

Questions

Can you read my mind?

hear my thoughts?

feel my longings?

can you sense how much I miss you?

and do you think about me?

or have you forgotten my body already...?

my kisses...?

my comfort...?

your tears...?

I miss you

I miss you.

I'm by the sea

watching the waves

the rebelling drops

that are no longer in their place...

it's a romantic place, the sea shore

it's also a place to be alone...

to wonder

about you

and me

our past

our no future

our pain

you are not answering my messages

it's your way of saying goodbye

your way of disconnecting

you know I can't stay away from you

you are my drug

I am addicted

I was waiting the whole night for you to call me

you didn't

I guess you won't

I think it's for the best

but I don't know anything anymore...

I just know that I miss you

and you are not here.

A test to my path...

My heart,

my soul,

my mind,

got tested.

Question everything, ha...?

I did.

My dignity,

my integrity,

my morality,

my desires,

my inner strength,

my body strength,

my will of survival,

my way of living...

I questioned them all,

challenged them all,

exhausted them all,

broke some of them...

But I'm strong.

I always get up,

wipe the dust off me,

smile,

and continue...

I don't give up.

I don't break.

I'm not a wave.

Not a rock.

I'm a mountain.

(If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.

René Descartes: Principles of Philosophy)

It's late

I'm tired

you are not here

I'm sitting and thinking about you...

sitting being angry with you...

sitting and falling asleep...

you are not here

I don't even know if you will come

I'm tired

It's late

I just want to touch you

to hug you

to be close to you

And I want you to touch me

to hug me

to be close to me

There's a great intimacy in sleeping with someone

There's a great intimacy in sleeping with someone.

Only sleeping.

Feeling him at night.

But he is so closed...

He lets me feel only his body,

not his heart,

not his soul,

not even his whole body...

He is avoiding

me or himself

I cannot tell.

But I sense his pain

Sometimes I see his pain

Sometimes he shuts down.

distress

There is a reason

why people who have

no home,

no anchor,

are confused,

stressed,

sometimes crazy.

Not knowing when you'll sleep at night,

night after night,

destabilizes the soul

and the mind.

We need an anchor in our life.

A company,

or a place,

or an object,

to protects us.

In love

Whenever I see him I want the world to stop...

I want all the people around us to disappear...

I want to dance with him.

And only with him.

Our own Faluka party...

Never give up

Never give up.

My actions are controlled by me, and define me. My actions are the result of how I see the world, how I see people.

And I choose to believe in the goodness that lays in people's hearts. I insist on seeing that goodness.

I choose to be kind, and loving, and forgiving.

I must maintain this path.

I cannot walk another path.

I cannot look at the world and see manipulations. I cannot look at people and see manipulators.

I must believe

My hand must Always be extended to peace! Always!

Watch the water

Sit and watch the water.

Observe the massive collection of drops moving up and down,

moving, yet remaining in place

transporting energy

from one drop

to the other.

A collective.

When the sea is calm

none can escape.

But when the waves are high

it's a revolution

and the drops that break on the rocks finally changing their place.

Defying gravity.

Rebelling.

When your heart is true

When your heart is true, everything works out...

I experience it again and again... It's a fundamental universal truth...

Do good things, be kind to others, always! Always choose the path that contains generosity, compassion, solidarity with others, always choose solidarity!

Liberate your ego...

Liberate your will...

Conect with others.

Heart to heart. Soul to soul.

Be kind.

Be forgivable.

Welcome all.

Be true in your heart.

It's the only thing that matters.

The only thing that last forever!

Stars

Stars.

Constellations.

Wherever I go, I see Orion.

I find a consolation in it.

Something to hang-on to.

Something that connects me with the universe.

And with other people, because they also recognise Orion!

And the wind is good.

Coming from somewhere, going somewhere, caressing me on the way.

Saying hello.

Touching and going.

Refreshing my skin, my body, my mind.

Not staying.

Impermanent.

That wave

Four days I knew him.

I was already swaying,

unbalanced,

and he just pushed me one more push...

and my balance got distorted

completely.

It's like a Faluka in the ocean...

The waves tilt it,

and then one wave,

slightly greater than the others,

comes and flips it upside-down...

He is that wave.

I am diverted from my path

I am diverted from my path.

I got diverted long time ago.

I was confused.

I was in pain.

And then you came

with your welcoming smile

and big arms...

And I just wanted you to hug me

and save me...

And so you did...

But I was wrong...

because only I can save me...

I must fall

and fall

until I will not be afraid of the fall

and I will start to fly...

Only then I could liberate myself.